Twenty years ago, when I was with my abusive daughter's father, I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. I left him and moved to the south for a new life. I no longer had issues with my anxiety. The world was good. I went back to college and got two more degrees and even became valedictorian. I had a successful career. I was doing very well. Of course, I hit speed bumps but nothing knocked me down. I kept getting back up.
I didn't let anything kick me back down. I even got married. It seemed like a great marriage. I thought he actually loved me. Everyone wants to be loved. I was not in love with him but I enjoyed his friendship. I thought he was honest with me. Then I caught him cheating. That almost knocked me down. I had heard there was a retreat coming up at church so I went on it. I could use the weekend getaway. I always feel refreshed after retreats. I exposed all of myself to a group of women and the priest. I cried, laughed, and planned my next move. I came back from the retreat, picked up my husband, took him to the statue of Mary at the church, and explained to him that I would not give him a divorce but I was leaving and moving to the country so he could have time to realize that I was what he wanted.
I moved to Georgia. Started a whole new life. Four years later, and a lot of speed bumps later, I filed for divorce. He was not going to change. My priest saw that. Last year I got the marriage annulled. He moved to Tennessee to live with his high school sweetheart.
I moved to Augusta to get my daughter taken care of. Three months later, we moved back. I was picking myself back up. I was not fully back up to my full capacity but I was faking it until it became true. Three days before Christmas, my oldest son came over and wanted to be part of the family again. That gave me the boost I needed. Two days later, my dad called and apologized for being a fool earlier in the year. Things were really good.
I moved to Alma in June and got a part time job working at the local grocery store. Everything was great. I felt like I fit in. However, it seems not everyone there was so happy I was there. I don't know if it was because I had no desire to work full time or the fact that I had no desire to make it my life. Either way, we parted ways. Two days later, I landed a job at Apple. I haven't officially started yet but it is still my new career. I went out with a man a couple days before I lost my job. It was an instantaneous connection from the moment I saw him. But there is that old friend that comes creeping up. Anxiety. I feel like I am not going to find love. Even though that is what he wants too. I just keep feeling like that will never happen. I guess I question whether I am ever going to find happiness again.
Maybe I am the one who has messed up all of my previous relationships.
So now, I spend my nights, not sleeping. I am exhausted as all get out. I barely eat. I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to crawl in my bed and hide. I need to get out of this funk. Then I try to figure out how to get out of it. I try to think of all the people I have as "friends" on Facebook. I know them all personally. Yet not one single one is someone I would talk to about me being down. Then I decided that I need to trust someone. Got up and looked at my computer to see who was online. One "friend", that I have talked to in the past about his problems, was online. So I tried to open up to him. What does he say after I spill my mind to him? "Well damn so is it to early to ask if u wanna hook up at a motel and have a good night of sexing down". What the fuck!!! Seriously? This is why I don't talk to people. This is why I don't trust people. People are assholes. And people wonder why I don't call them or keep in contact with them? This is why.
So, problem is not solved. I am still anxious and not sleeping. Heading out the door to take my son to school soon though. Wish me luck.
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